SEARCHING FOR FAITH

I'm walking down abandoned rail road tracks
The sunrise ahead of me
Worn blue jeans and an old pair of boots
My cowboy hat blows off me
And I turn and watch it
Rolling and tumbling down the tracks behind me
It had a crucivix pinned to it
Something of a talisman in my past
Twelve years of Catholic school
But I left those beliefs behind at twenty-one
Jesus was a cool guy, but he's not my guy.
The sun is higher in the sky
And my body cries for coffee.
There's a diner to the right
And I walk inside
Thrilled to be wrapped in the AC
Sitting at the counter, I smile at the waitress
Who grins back and hands me a menu
"Our green tea will give you a boost this morning, honey"
I shake my head and tell her that coffee will be just fine
She points out the menu with its 37 teas and no beans
There's meditation in the corner and yoga in the back
And I smile, getting up from the counter
Buddha was a cool guy, but he wasn't my guy.
Across the tracks and the road next to it is a 24 hour place
And they've actually got a picture of coffee in the window
I laugh and run inside
And the waitress is already pouring
"You're an angel with wings, darling", I tell her
"Blessed Be, Blessed Be!!"  she cries out and takes my order
I glance around at the crystals and swords
Candles, incense, and statues
I love it here and the food is just as good
I feel welcome ... but something is missing
And soon I'm on my way and I'm closer
The Goddess is fantastic, but she isn't my girl.
As the heat becomes almost too much to bare
I take a ride from an old man in a beat up Ford truck
He asks if I'm a Christian and although I figure
I'm about to lose my ride
I'll tell him the truth, that no, I'm not
But that I'm not sure what I am
And he grins
"Think back, who kept you safe when you was a child
Who was there for you, besides your Mama and Daddy?"
We didn't talk anymore but I thought about what he said
And thanked him when he dropped me at my hotel
There was a huge convention with people dressed up
And although I was invited in, I didn't go
Aliens are ... cool ... but they aren't my ... yeah
In the hotel bar, I ordered a cold drink
Who kept me safe beside Mom and Daddy?
Who was there for me?
My fingers trailed up and caressed the medal
I always wore on a necklace
My Grandmother had given it to me
It was Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Whenever I was afraid of a storm
Or that my Father was sick
Or when I was lost in the woods
I spoke to Mary.
As an adult, I turned to Mary when I was pregnant
I thanked her for safe passage as my daughter came into this world
She was who was with me at my Father's funeral
And was with me when I realized there was no God
(Don't ask me to expain that because I can't)
Mary has never left me, has never stopped loving me
She keeps me safe, she listens
She gives me comfort
And even when I knew her son was just a human
(Don't ask me to explain that because I can't)
She understood me and held me anyway
Does this make me a confused Christian?
A pagan making it up as she goes along?
A feminist with an agenda?
It doesn't matter.
Mary is the one and Mary is my homegirl

THE PERFECT KISS

Teenage girls worry about it
Their first kiss with the quarterback
Or the bad boy they're planning to fix.
So do brides on their wedding day
All dressed in white
At the altar after they've been pronounced.
But after you've had dozens of kisses
Few so memorable as to call perfect
You realize the ones that stand out
Are the ones that are far from perfect.
Like the one after we knew each other a few days
And were sitting on my couch
Doing tequila shots, finding interesting places
To lick the salt.
That kiss was too drunken and sloppy
To be called perfect but so very sexy.
The one in the rain after a huge fight
Where we had said goodbye and meant it
And you chased me down Fifth Avenue
Both of us nearly getting hit by cars.
That kiss stopped traffic
And stopped us from leaving each other.
It was romantic as hell
But far from perfect as we nearly drowned in rain.
The one in the ER
After I fell off the back of the parked truck and you landed on top of me
On concrete
Impossible to explain to the doctor and nurses
Although I had a broken rib
And you had a dislocated shoulder trying to keep me from getting hurt
It was tender and loving but definitely not perfect
As broken bones and bruises would keep us from each other.
The one on our wedding day
As the mayor prounced us husband and wife
And all of our friends prounced in unison
"It's about time!"
And the magic kiss was broken by laughter.
The one at your casket
And everything was in the world was black
Except your face.
I leaned over and kissed your lips ..... cold
The least perfect of all
The most perfect of all and the last of all.
I tucked a bottle of tequila in your jacket pocket
Scandalizing as it was to your family
And then a tube of my lipstick into your breast pocket
And backed away
Knowing your soul was already on your next journey
And I'd wait until I was on that journey with you
To feel another imperfect perfect kiss.