ODE TO KITCHEN TABLES

I'm all moved into my new house and it already feels like home
It has a garden and a porch with a swing
And best of all, a huge gourmet kitchen with a white wood table
     that seats four although it's just me.
I sit here at this kitchen table, a small grin on my face;
It's not the first kitchen table but it's the best.
I remember back to my parents table;
     covered in a felt and plastic green flowered cloth
It was all the rage in those days.
I did my homework there, had long talks with Mom
And watched the love of my life Billy
     being grilled by Daddy before our first date
     and again when he asked me to marry him four years later.
The next table was in our first apartment
It sat in the hallway next to the living room
The kitchen was so tiny, Billy could almost touch wall to wall
But you could see the bedroom window from the living room window
And I thought that was simply divine.
Billy did his college homework at night on that first kitchen table
I tried to be a journalist while waitressing during the day
Neither one of us made those dreams come true
And there were more kitchen tables to come.
I stopped writing and had babies
And much to his disgust and dismay, Billy became a truck driver
But I was the daughter of a blue collar worker
So it seemed just fine to me
I had four kids to raise
     and a full kitchen table
And no time for pretentiousness
Years went by, the kids grew and left,
     and the tables got smaller
Billy shut himself in his office and I didn't mind
I had the rest of the house to myself
     and felt intruded on when he walked through
It seemed one morning we both woke up
And realized we were laying next to strangers
We didn't know each other anymore.
We worked out our settlement on our last kitchen table
It was easy
     we had no anger; we were just done
And today I'm signing the final divorce papers
     on my own kitchen table
This will be the last table for me
     the last, the best, the easiest
The one that will see me begin my new life.

SEARCHING FOR FAITH

I'm walking down abandoned rail road tracks
The sunrise ahead of me
Worn blue jeans and an old pair of boots
My cowboy hat blows off me
And I turn and watch it
Rolling and tumbling down the tracks behind me
It had a crucivix pinned to it
Something of a talisman in my past
Twelve years of Catholic school
But I left those beliefs behind at twenty-one
Jesus was a cool guy, but he's not my guy.
The sun is higher in the sky
And my body cries for coffee.
There's a diner to the right
And I walk inside
Thrilled to be wrapped in the AC
Sitting at the counter, I smile at the waitress
Who grins back and hands me a menu
"Our green tea will give you a boost this morning, honey"
I shake my head and tell her that coffee will be just fine
She points out the menu with its 37 teas and no beans
There's meditation in the corner and yoga in the back
And I smile, getting up from the counter
Buddha was a cool guy, but he wasn't my guy.
Across the tracks and the road next to it is a 24 hour place
And they've actually got a picture of coffee in the window
I laugh and run inside
And the waitress is already pouring
"You're an angel with wings, darling", I tell her
"Blessed Be, Blessed Be!!"  she cries out and takes my order
I glance around at the crystals and swords
Candles, incense, and statues
I love it here and the food is just as good
I feel welcome ... but something is missing
And soon I'm on my way and I'm closer
The Goddess is fantastic, but she isn't my girl.
As the heat becomes almost too much to bare
I take a ride from an old man in a beat up Ford truck
He asks if I'm a Christian and although I figure
I'm about to lose my ride
I'll tell him the truth, that no, I'm not
But that I'm not sure what I am
And he grins
"Think back, who kept you safe when you was a child
Who was there for you, besides your Mama and Daddy?"
We didn't talk anymore but I thought about what he said
And thanked him when he dropped me at my hotel
There was a huge convention with people dressed up
And although I was invited in, I didn't go
Aliens are ... cool ... but they aren't my ... yeah
In the hotel bar, I ordered a cold drink
Who kept me safe beside Mom and Daddy?
Who was there for me?
My fingers trailed up and caressed the medal
I always wore on a necklace
My Grandmother had given it to me
It was Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Whenever I was afraid of a storm
Or that my Father was sick
Or when I was lost in the woods
I spoke to Mary.
As an adult, I turned to Mary when I was pregnant
I thanked her for safe passage as my daughter came into this world
She was who was with me at my Father's funeral
And was with me when I realized there was no God
(Don't ask me to expain that because I can't)
Mary has never left me, has never stopped loving me
She keeps me safe, she listens
She gives me comfort
And even when I knew her son was just a human
(Don't ask me to explain that because I can't)
She understood me and held me anyway
Does this make me a confused Christian?
A pagan making it up as she goes along?
A feminist with an agenda?
It doesn't matter.
Mary is the one and Mary is my homegirl

THE PERFECT KISS

Teenage girls worry about it
Their first kiss with the quarterback
Or the bad boy they're planning to fix.
So do brides on their wedding day
All dressed in white
At the altar after they've been pronounced.
But after you've had dozens of kisses
Few so memorable as to call perfect
You realize the ones that stand out
Are the ones that are far from perfect.
Like the one after we knew each other a few days
And were sitting on my couch
Doing tequila shots, finding interesting places
To lick the salt.
That kiss was too drunken and sloppy
To be called perfect but so very sexy.
The one in the rain after a huge fight
Where we had said goodbye and meant it
And you chased me down Fifth Avenue
Both of us nearly getting hit by cars.
That kiss stopped traffic
And stopped us from leaving each other.
It was romantic as hell
But far from perfect as we nearly drowned in rain.
The one in the ER
After I fell off the back of the parked truck and you landed on top of me
On concrete
Impossible to explain to the doctor and nurses
Although I had a broken rib
And you had a dislocated shoulder trying to keep me from getting hurt
It was tender and loving but definitely not perfect
As broken bones and bruises would keep us from each other.
The one on our wedding day
As the mayor prounced us husband and wife
And all of our friends prounced in unison
"It's about time!"
And the magic kiss was broken by laughter.
The one at your casket
And everything was in the world was black
Except your face.
I leaned over and kissed your lips ..... cold
The least perfect of all
The most perfect of all and the last of all.
I tucked a bottle of tequila in your jacket pocket
Scandalizing as it was to your family
And then a tube of my lipstick into your breast pocket
And backed away
Knowing your soul was already on your next journey
And I'd wait until I was on that journey with you
To feel another imperfect perfect kiss.

PENN AVENUE

We sit backstage in a dive bar
In downtown Pittsburgh on a rainy night
Waiting to go on.
Bottles of beer on the table
And the sweet smell of cannabis in the air.
We were eighteen years old, Billy and me
And thought we were infallible and we'd live forever.
Paid to do cover songs, but sometimes slipping in an original.
We'd skipped a year of college, much to our parents dismay
And cast our dreams to the wind.
We found a funky stage on Penn Avenue
Where the owner looked the other way when we showed him our ID
And paid us under the table to entertain the crowds.
It was a wildly romantic time and we tried to be June and Johnny
Instead of Sid and Nancy.
We drew audiences; teenagers to hear something new
And adults out to hear a memory
And we gave 'em both what they wanted.
I was on guitar, Billy on bass
And big Danny Riley on drums.
We covered everything from Hank Williams to The Ramones
And dreamed of Joe Grushecky coming in one night
Discovering us, introducing us to Bruce.
But when winter came, Penn Avenue was extra cold
And Billy's Dad offered him a car to go back to school.
Big Danny was already gone, hoping to find studio work in LA
And I remember standing in the snow; telling Billy to go
He promised he wouldn't; the band would go on
It was over, I said, again and again, and went inside my Mama's house
Late that night, I heard him calling my name, in the snow
And I closed my eyes, I didn't go, I didn't go.
I never saw him again except in dreams
Exactly twenty years later, my Mama called
Billy's Daddy had called looking for me
I sat with the number for a few hours
Knowing what this was about but not wanting
To hear it put into actual words
It was a few weeks after 9/11
And he told me that Billy's body had been recovered
And would I please come to the funeral in Mt. Lebanon that Friday
I didn't have an answer, I hung up the phone
Weeping, weeping, it will never stop
Years later I went to the memorial in NYC
Touching his name
Running my fingers over those precious letters
And I thought of bottles of beer
The sweet smell of canabis
And him on stage
At that club on Penn Avenue
Looking like the rock star he was.

WORSHIP

We got off the plane and the first thing I notice
Is the heat of the island that wraps around me
Invading my privacy, determind to make itself known
The way it always seems to welcome me back.
Hours later, I sat on the porch drinking a cold beer
And smile as his jeep pulls in, kicking up dirt and dust
He carries in the cooler and I watch the muscles in his back tense
Feeling like a pervert for my very own guy
I grin and he caught me as he turned
And pulled me into his arms
Demanding to know what put that salacious smile onto my lips
I refused to speak, playing shy, and looked down
He laughed, knowing shyness was not part of my make-up
And let me go
Putting lobster and crab legs into the 'fridge.
He sat down and finished my beer, his eyes on mine
Lips just made for kissing and whispering
Cheek bones that could cut glass when he smiles
Gentle crows feet surround his eyes, he's a man not a boy
I grab us two more beers, but before I sit down
I take his hand in mine, it's strong, calloused, masculine
He squeezes my fingers, plays with my wedding bands
We're worshipping each other like bats
Our eyes meet again, and there's a fire burning all of our own
I smile at him
A smile that men have understood since Eve first gave it to Adam
That night on the beach, in front of a fire we had built
We hold each other close after a midnight swim.
He is my floor.
I had had the floor of safety ripped out from under me
At age twenty-one when my Daddy died
And although I was married, I never felt safe again
Until I met this man who rebuilt that floor
Board by board, nail by nail
Until I could stand, knowing he always had my back
And I didn't have to do it alone anymore
I'll be sad to leave the island for home
But we'll take the floor with us
The love, the lust
The safety in our marriage
That follows us wherever we go

YOU SAW ME FIRST

You saw me first before I even knew
What was just beneath the surface
Of that girl in her fifteenth summer
It was Key West in the 70s
You were my cousin's best friend
But I just remember the Full Moon Saloon
A hurricane candle lighting a cigarette
And the bluest eyes I had ever seen
Eyes that were seeing me first
Everyone watched you
You were so damn good looking
Even my mother said so
A total free spirit, long blond hair
And those eyes, those sexy damn eyes
That were seeing me first
You were older by a decade
And got a kick out of my crush
I tried so desperately to hide
As you awakened more and more feelings
Without ever touching me
As my Daddy circled us like a hawk with a hunting rifle
Because he could see us both.
But there was attention paid
And long conversations
And dances to rock and roll
And stares and smiles
And my very first serious kiss
All with a grin on your face.
I fell hard for you that summer
And getting on the plane to go home
Was like having something torn away and yet something replaced
And all my friends said how I had changed
When I got back to Pittsburgh.
You had awakened the woman in the girl
And I still find myself grinning remembering you
And the hurricane candle and the bluest damn eyes.
I'm so glad you saw me first

ME AND JONI

Joni Mitchell gave the women of the world a voice
She empowered them
Let them cry and helped them dance
And for generations on
She's still the queen
But me and Joni
We just never clicked
I bought her albums in the 70s
And pretended to get behind
Those words of wisdom
As my girlfriends went totally fangirl for her
I bought her songbook before the internet
Trying to find what I was missing
And everyone else seemed to have found
I wanted her so badly
But it was unrequited love for both
Sigh
The women of my generation still talk
About what she gave them
And my daughter plays her music
Goes on and on about how important she was
I know, I know ... I was there
But Bob Dylan spoke to me
And Joni never even whispered
Oh Joni
Why can't we be together?